To be or not to OVER be, that is the question.
The balance between insisting and resisting…
Having just come out of a session with a client where we were discussing practical uses of slowing down and in essence living “action through in action” or “Let it be” as Paul McCartney wrote it confirmed it’s easier to say than do, but with practise it gets easier. A line from the Tao Te Ching reads, “Do your work and then step back.” It’s one that I’m finding more and more useful. My clients too. It’s all about finding the balance between insisting and resisting.
As an example, saying how one feels. I don’t know about you but I used to either resist altogether or I’d express my feelings but I’d miss the full stop. I’d insist on continuing talking, saying words that essentially diluted the strength of what I was saying. In hindsight I know I was doing it to “protect” the other person; to prevent them getting upset so they wouldn’t leave me. Now, though, I say how I feel and have made it a practice to notice the energetic resistance (the desire to keep talking) and take a step back instead.
For my client, he had a shock at work that was quite derailing — a significant person in his company decided to leave. His old way of being was, “Okay, war room time. Even if it kills us, let’s smash out a plan of attack immediately!” but this time he reflected on how his first reaction was, “I decided to do nothing”. Instead, he went for a walk, listened to this podcast, then that one and ended up making loads of notes and ideas flowed freely. The next day, he said he easily knocked out a plan, which he took to his team and they said, “Wow! It’s great to work with someone so calm in this kind of situation”.
In both cases, we managed to strike the balance. It takes practise and compassion to notice a behavioural pattern and then resist the urge to follow the same old groove and instead push ourselves in a different direction without force. To not resist but also to not insist.
There are many, many opportunities in life to practise the balance between insisting and resisting. When you can catch yourself and try a different approach it’s a game-changer. Let me know how you get on…
As always, thanks for reading,
Adam (Follow me on IG @thevulnerabilityguy for more)
PRACTISE: The metaphorical table
WHY: To provide yourself with the gift of actually expressing how you feel because right now, you might be diluting it because you’re trying to protect the other person’s feeling (deep down that’s a fear of abandonment btw — which we all have to some extent).
HOW TO START: Whenever you speak, verbally or via text, imagine there’s a table in front of you. Say how you feel honestly (be impeccable with your word) and imagine you’re placing the words onto the table in front of you. Your ONLY responsibility is putting words onto the table. It’s 100% the other person’s responsibility how they CHOOSE to pick the words up.
Adam Slawson is a Transformational Coach specialising in Vulnerability and Authenticity in Relationships and the founder of Plight Club clothing. His mission is to redefine vulnerability (as it’s the catalyst to our freedom). For more tools on tips to become better at expressing your emotions download his free e-guide here and/or visit his website here.
Living consciously and by choice instead of by habit is amazing but it takes practise. Adam will save you a lot of time and support you through the insecurity of change. If you’re curious about this work, book a free discovery call and he’ll answer any questions you may have…
